It took me half a day to loosen the loud voice ridiculing what I am doing. I surrendered myself so easily to the group, the classes and the training. Why? Everything that has been said and done feels True. Yes, capital T. “The lesson the student needs is offered when the student is ready,” is something the evolation teachers said. It feels like this training is here because I am ready to deepen my understanding and practice of the yoga.
Until this evening I felt deeply satisfied following this path. My body and mind are satisfied with what I am doing. Like I am feeding my starving inner self. Happy, energetic & proud are the only words that come to mind.
I am still satisfied. Extremely looking forward to Zefea’s class tomorrow and the posture mechanic clinic. It is unbelievable how these four days of training have improved my practice. I would like to name the opening up of the palms (and therefore the shoulders) while standing still between the postures. The new neutral position of standing is so good for me! It re-energizes more and helps to get into the posture with better alignment. Understanding the importance of ‘sucking in your stomach, with half moon, the real meaning of bending from coccyx to neck with the backward bent, the position of the neck in the awkward pose and the support your fellow trainees and student is so helpful.
change is also hard
But now I’m beat. I’m empty. I want to curl up with my boyfriend in front of the tele, eat crisps and not study the dialogue for tomorrow. The joy and excitement has shifted to emptiness and I am so tired. Sad. Things that make me sad feel so much more tangible. I guess that is a good thing, I can’t avoid it anymore with inner chatter, there is no time for distractions.
1,5 day left before I have some time for myself to process, reflect and study the dialogue so much more then I have before. Not sure yet what effect this current sadness will have. But like taking it one posture at a time during class, I’m taking it one day at a time. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.
I have been on the verge of crying each day. Even if I cried, I just shed a few tears and then it stopped. No real relief. Everybody was more tired and slightly less committed. Suddenly I heard my loud ridiculing voice again saying; ‘Really Maria? Hot yoga? Is this a future? Is this what you want to be doing?’
In this morning class I focussed 100% on breathing. I let alignment and depth slip, which made me feel I did the postures to maybe 45% of my capacity. But I felt so re-energized, balanced, peaceful and happy when I came out. I even managed to stay a while in the hot room after class! In the 60 minute evening class I was able to bring my breathing so much closer to my usual practice and IT WAS AWESOME! I absolutely loved it.
After the 60 minute class we did a meditation, which is not really for me. I am hyper, have several voices in my head and am rarely able to empty my mind. At some point the teacher said that this stillness was always with us. There were three different voices with funny accents saying I’m here too, all the way for you mate! I already got my jacket on, can we please leave now? When we have to focus on one point in Savassanah I always pick a spot and give it a voice. It will sing Backstreet Boys; I want you back (I just want you back for good…..whatever I did, whatever I said…..) or be any thing to entertain myself a little bit.
This entertainment in my head, or the inner chatter as Mark calls it; we have to drown it out. I like being accompanied by funny accents and songs.
I don’t really care about it at this point; I breathed; really breathed throughout 2 classes!!!!!!!!