The first sutra’s have been going round and round. Cessation of the fluctuations of the mind; stop the inner chatter. I have a lot of inner chatter and something I engage with it and sometimes I don’t; it’s not really a choice. As I’ve written before that they are my entertainment. I rewarded myself today with a massage and a float session (45min in an extremely salted bath, without any outside impulses). I tried to empty my mind, focus on my breath. But there was an Amsterdam blonde junkie without any teeth screaming random stuff and after a while Nigel, the butler from the Nanny, appeared. In my head I tried to walk upstairs, hoping to escape it, but when I looked down I saw all these characters that are always with me. I didn’t fall asleep, I didn’t empty my mind I just let them be. I didn’t escape it. It doesn’t bother me, never really has bothered me. By focussing on emptying the mind they only seem to multiply and get louder. For now I will let them be.
We’re halfway through the Amsterdam yoga teacher training! Saturday I taught the standing series and I got some really good feedback from Toddy, which will help me for the second half. I am already commanding and very direct. Students will listen to me and do what I say; so it is even more important to be 100% sure what I am saying is correct. STUDY MORE DIALOGUE! Another important thing is more variation in the way I insert my enthusiasm. I can work with that!
Day # 15
The wall. I’ve hit the wall land can’t get through. I am angry. I am upset.
Is it because I am resisting and rebelling against it? Or am I trying to find my own truth? After the first few days I wrote that I easily surrendered because everything that is said and done feels True with a capital T. We’re diving deeper into the sutra’s and I am willfully resisting.
My whole life I have taken bits and pieces of theories that resonated with me and made my own set of belief systems. Much of the philosophy behind the hot yoga series works for me, otherwise I would have never been such a fan.
1. My own practice
My ego gets in the way of my breathing. I feel it is the only way to make progress, but I find difficulties staying committed to it when I see other people doing beautiful postures. I will try again tomorrow.
2. My future as a teacher
In my classes I do not want to talk about the deeper philosophic foundation of the series. I want to create an open environment for the students to experience whatever it is that comes up. It feels like by talking about it you’re putting thoughts in student’s heads that makes them drift away from their true experience. I have seen so many broken people cling to a spiritual practice or belief hoping to be saved. I do not believe there is one answer, one way to happiness. The answer is inside you and it might be daily practice, daily teaching, it might be meat, it might be fish, it might be running, it might be soccer, reading, walking, cooking, dancing or singing; I like to let it be. Let the students be and the series itself will guide them if they will let it.
Emotional roller coaster; the wall is gone. Just by writing this down, while talking it over with my supporting boyfriend, I have created space to follow my path. Its foundation will be everything I have learned and am learning and the expression my personality. I got my groove back =)