I cried today. It wasn’t the beautiful glistening tear drop that slides gracefully down your cheek. No, no. I mean it was the type of uncontrolled tears that burn heavy in your eyes; those tears that reappear as soon as you vainly attempt to wipe them away.
I don’t even know why.
I am not the type of person who falls apart under pressure nor have I ever been the person who has been reduced to such displays of emotion in public.
But there I was.
I had just got up to recite my first bit of dialogue – dialogue that I had only just reviewed for the first time the night before – and as soon as I began to say the words, I drew a blank. My faint recollection from the words I’d read had escaped me. I had prepared cue cards for such an instance but senior evolation teacher Toddy’s no-nonsense approach to reciting meant that I was not allowed to reference back to my crutch.
I struggled through the words and when I had finished, it was all I could do not to erupt into an ugly cry.
You know what “ugly crying” is. It’s when you’re in such deep and utter emotional turmoil that your sobs are no longer audible. The only sound that escapes your lips is deep inhalation as you try to catch your breath. It’s the type of cry that leaves you feeling depleted; like you had poured your heart and soul into the world through your eyes – we’ve all been there. And today, I didn’t trust my soul not to slip out unexpectedly.
Perhaps it was the intensity of all the information I was trying to process in the course. Perhaps it was missing my family. Perhaps it was because I had finished my last day of work just two days earlier and hadn’t even begun the resignation process. Perhaps I was hungry or overtired. Perhaps it has to do with the cycle of the moon. I honestly don’t know. But today, for the first time in my life, I cried in front of people I hardly know. And even if I wanted to, I couldn’t have made it stop.
To my relief, I was comforted with kindness. I was shown support and encouraged to allow myself to experience what was going on inside me. Both Toddy and the other women accepted what I was feeling and let me know that it was okay. I was truly grateful.
It has only been two days and I am already feeling as though this course is going to challenge me to explore parts of myself that I have never been able to touch on before. This became clear to me after our yoga class this morning.
We met in The Hot House to christen the studio. With such a small group of ladies, Toddy was able to give individual attention as we moved through the series. It wasn’t until today that I became aware of how often I compromise form for depth. Five years in a Bikram studio and it turns out I was way off! I feel like I am relearning the entire series. This combined with my unexpected emotional response tells me that this training is going to be bigger and more significant to my life than I ever thought possible.
I am equally excited and terrified to see where this will take me.