outside in

Early morning, day 13 of 14 of my hot yoga teacher training and I’m reflecting back on my time with these open, loving, community minded people that I’m working and living with.

Here are some thoughts and feelings that are NOW apparent and TRUE, but first some back-story.

In my past life I thought the key to success, happiness, love and acceptance was manifested from the outside in.  You know what I mean. I thought if I had the right “gear”, or the right job, or the best idea that would be validated and praised, or the new partner that would “get me”, then (finally) I would be happy and at peace… Damn, I’m misunderstood! Hah!


I have this image of a puppy discovering its tail for the first time. I’m sure we all know what that outcome looks like. We all smile and comment on how cute it is. But, around and around you go with no end in sight. It’s fun, dizzying, and distracting, but ultimately not fulfilling. Action with no intent. Sound familiar?

Heart of the matter? I was living from the outside in. Not uncommon, and there is clearly validation around every corner for this lifestyle choice.

But, LIFE has a component to it that is a wonderful loud alarm clock. And if you are listening, rings incessantly with no snooze button. And my LIFE alarm clock was chiming, “wake the fuck up, you have cancer. Whatcha think of them apples?… you’re welcome”

Believe me, when that gift is delivered to you, you really begin to understand the word choice.

Should I stay or should I go? (Thank you Joe Strummer and the Clash) is clearly the only choice you need to deal with when facing this wake up call.

Now, really pay attention to this part. This was the point where I could stay working outside in, or as Frost penned so eloquently: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled.

I opted for the later and chose what is called a road less traveled.

Thank You, I’ll take it from here. Radiation, chemo, and surgery…Thanks for sharing and I appreciate the intent, but I think I’ll pass.

It wasn’t courage or for that matter fear that activated my true Self and prompted me to look INSIDE for a way to health. It was just LIFE staring at me everyday day in the mirror saying, “Wanna Play”?

Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been easy, and there are still times when I wake up and crave the highway for the road less traveled. But, we all know anything worth having requires sweat, commitment, and discipline. Which brings me full circle back to Yoga and my thoughts and feelings.

Here you go. (In no particular order)

If I strive to be still my heart opens.

I have everything I want.

Commitment is a muscle; it needs to be exercised regularly.

Telling people that you love them is clearly enmeshed with the tear ducts

Relax, this aint cancer research, its just life.

Namaste. Or as Mike Meyers says in The Love Guru. With hands in Namaskar…

“mariska hargitay”